


Little Shadow

by tiggeryumyum



Series: Post-Karasuno Kagehina [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Future Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-24 05:49:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13207311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiggeryumyum/pseuds/tiggeryumyum
Summary: Hinata lives his life and waits for Kageyama to catch up with him.





	Little Shadow

Kageyama doesn't learn about Shuko until it's all over, but Shuko was first. 

Hinata was sixteen, visiting an aunt in Kyoto for a week, and met Shuko at a skating park. 

They had sex three times.

Shuko grew up, and works with real estate in Korea, but the number stays in Hinata's phone under "Shuko-chan <3", and they're friends on multiple social sites.

Kageyama never met Shuko, and doesn't have much opinion of the picture Hinata eventually shows him.

~

Manami is second, but the first Kageyama meets. 

Hinata starts mentioning her name months before finally bringing her around, nervous about it. He says she's sensitive, and Kageyama agrees when they're introduced, reminded a little of Yachi. 

As the night goes on, Kageyama thinks Hinata was wrong: Manami is worse than sensitive. If Yachi had a younger sister, one who was too nervous to even _get_ nervous, just quietly sitting there, buzzing with anxious energy, while the rest of their friends talk – that would be Manami. 

"She's just quiet in groups," Hinata explains, defensively, but even when it's just Manami, and Hinata, and Kageyama, she continues to divert her gaze to the ground and speak in barely above a whisper. 

Kageyama is always on his best behavior with her, but because he's still not entirely sure what that should look like outside of things he should _not_ do, they spend most gatherings sitting side by side, staring forward, completely, utterly silent. 

At one point, during one party, Manami comes back from visiting the kitchen with a drink. "I heard you like milk," she says, quietly.

Kageyama learns what White Russians are. 

Hinata dates Manami for two years, until they graduate. She continues to be a quiet and twitchy presence, drifting in the background of Kageyama and Hinata's time together. Hinata keeps telling them that she talks more, she's happier and louder when it's just the two of them, but Kageyama doesn't think her quietness is bad. 

Ultimately Kageyama likes Manami a lot, with Hinata at least, and thinks it's fitting that Hinata ends up with a girl like Manami, who is quiet and will force Hinata to have moments of quiet himself. 

When he hears they broke up, he almost feels sad about it. 

He finds out later that Manami had been intimidated by him the entire two years, but this is hardly a surprise.

~

Then comes Choki.

Choki is an even better fit for Hinata. He has a loud, happy laugh, and he likes any kind of conversation. This is when they're twenty-three, and when Kageyama is trying, really, earnestly trying to attempt conversations and friendship, and Choki doesn't get mad when Kageyama messes it up.

"Yeesh!! You call it like you see it," he laughs, when Kageyama asks why he has running shoes, if he obviously does not go running. "Maybe take it down to stun, though."

 _Down to stun_ is something Kageyama likes, and is easier for him to conceptualize, because until that, it had just been _no_ , which was a rough starting point – Kageyama didn't know what to replace it with. Hearing he should simply try _less_ is more doable, and a relief. He practices bringing it down to stun with Choki, a lot.

Choki texts him a lot, though, and wants to hang out, and wants to hook Kageyama up with various friends he has. It's too much, so even though he doesn't dislike Choki, and even likes him in theory, he's glad when, two years later, he and Hinata break up.

Hinata is very sad about Choki, and Kageyama, knowing to bring it down to stun, only mentions how he has more free time, and not how happy he had looked whenever Choki had entered a room, and interrupted that free time. 

~

Kageyama does not like Ippei. 

Ippei is like Choki, because he's loud. But he's not really nice. 

Ippei also has an infant from an earlier relationship, a little girl, and Kageyama thinks this is probably why Hinata is going out with him. There are tons of pictures on Hinata's profile of just him and the baby wearing matching sunglasses and hats, Hinata holding her up for the camera and pressing their cheeks together – but not many that include Ippei. 

Hinata and Ippei also have sex. 

Kageyama supposes he assumed that, and also assumed that Hinata had sex with all of his partners up to this point, but it's Hinata and Ippei he actually gets confirmation about when he opens the wrong door one night. 

As a child, during rides, Kageyama would sit in the backseat of his father's car and try to imagine a version of himself that drove, who had keys to a car, a car that belonged to him. Washing the car and parking it and maybe getting tickets, driving long distances, to stores and to the apartment he would one day have, and all these things would be mundane and normal. He would be bored by the routine of them, as an adult with a car. It was an inevitable thing. 

But no, it wasn't. 

Hinata took the test twice, and failed, and finally passed his third one, after his mother gave him the money as a gift, but after witnessing this struggle Kageyama decided it wasn't worth it. 

There are buses and trains. There are ways around owning a car, and Kageyama found them, and chose that instead.

As a child Kageyama wasn't allowed to hear or see anything related to sex. But he got older and eventually no one particularly cared one way or the other, and even expected him to be looking at it when he had the chance, then participating in it. It was an inevitable thing.

At twenty-five Kageyama has yet to discover that version of himself. Has yet to discover any version of sex that seems real – he's most familiar with it through fiction, figures under a blanket, moving together: the more vigorous the movement, the more intense the sex. Sometimes a joke, sometimes scored with dramatic and intense music, and sometimes a happy ending, but always a fade to black moment. 

But he climbs the stairs to the room Hinata and Ippei are sharing for the night – a weekend retreat to Yokoshibahikari, where Ippei is from – he hears a hot, giddy sort of laugh. 

It's Hinata's laugh, but one he's never heard before. 

A part of Kageyama instinctively recognizes the heat in the sound, but not fast or well enough to keep him from sliding open the door. 

It is a well maintained door, with smooth, clean rollers and bearings. It does not make a sound, as Kageyama stands there, so the giggles and moans on the bed continue. The movement on the bed continues.

"Yeah," a soft, encouraging whisper. "Yeah, good – yeah…"

Kageyama slides the door shut again. 

That was real – not a joke, no dramatic swelling music, not a happy ending and it did not fade to black. Hinata, very real Hinata, was having very real sex. 

Kageyama doesn't say anything to Hinata, but he thinks about it. A lot. 

It's hard for Kageyama to talk to Ippei, because Ippei likes to be right. Kageyama supposes everyone does, but it's more noticeable with Ippei because he is wrong a lot – at least about volleyball. Kageyama still doesn't know how to bring it down to stun when it comes to volleyball, and this is when Kageyama is twenty-five, so he just got signed to a professional team, and Hinata did not, so any volleyball talk is a charged and unwieldy thing.

Kageyama spends less time with Hinata than ever while he's dating Ippei because of this, and because of his new busy schedule with his team.

But he thinks about Hinata's real sex when he's running, when he's practicing, when he's dragged to a bar with the rest of his teammates, drinking with his back against the wall.

A man approaches, and tries to have a conversation with him. 

Kageyama watches his face as he talks, considering him: he's tall but he's thin. He has nice eyes, but a large nose. Looks aren't something that particularly matter to Kageyama, he's used to evaluating people and how well they play, or how well they can get along. But sex, he's learned, involves liking the way someone looks. Does he like this man's face enough for sex? There's nothing but a mild shrug inside him. 

"Hey, it's so loud here – " the man says. "Want to find somewhere quieter?"

Kageyama nods. They find somewhere quieter, and have sex there.

It reminds Kageyama of a roller-coaster: nerves of climbing up a very, very steep incline, blindly trusting that whatever happens next will be worth this fear, then the breathless crest, and the first drop, bringing a sharp and unpleasant jerk of fear, of regret, in his stomach. 

On a roller-coaster it eventually settles to something exciting and thrilling, but sex doesn't do that. It continues to feel like something out of his control, something that's accelerating, and impossible to stop. The touches feel mechanical, the building reaction in his body forced and unnatural, and when he comes, his body expelling the evidence of it, it makes him want to throw up. 

"You okay?" the man had asked, over and over again, the entire time. "You alright? We can stop, kid."

But Kageyama had just nodded, gritting his teeth, didn't complain, and when it's over the man leaves quickly. Kageyama doesn't talk to him again, or remember his name. He gets lost on the way back to the bar, and his teammates laugh when he says he was trying to find somewhere to buy milk. 

A few days later he gets a text from Hinata, saying that he and Ippei broke up.

It's the end of Kageyama's first season, and Hinata ends up spending almost every day in Kageyama's apartment, moping around like a slug in his heartbreak. 

If it was anyone else in Kageyama's apartment he would find this an infuriating imposition, but even after almost a year of only distant contact, there's no manners, boundaries or awkwardness around Hinata. If Hinata has decided to sprawl in Kageyama's path, Kageyama can simply push him out of the way with his foot, or step over his slumped body in the kotostu. If Hinata makes a mess, Kageyama can throw a piece of that mess at Hinata's head until he cleans up. If Hinata watches television too late into the night, Kageyama can yell at him to shut it off, not once worrying about how it sounds or how Hinata will take it.

In this time Kageyama wonders if this is what it's like to be in a relationship. They don't have planned activities, they just sort of... exist in the same space. This is less stressful than what adult Kageyama had imagined a relationship would be like, but far less exciting than the promise that had been made to Kageyama as a child. 

They eat dinner together while watching television and Kageyama wonders if this is the sort of thing Hinata did with Choki, and Ippei, and Manami. Probably not. Hinata was always _more_ when he was with his partners, going out of his way for them, performing for them, asking if they wanted this or that, if they were happy, getting them presents. This is just quiet and easy. 

As Hinata starts to become less of a slug and more of a man again, they take to drinking in the afternoons, because they might as well, and wander the streets. 

They find a bridge that runs parallel to a train, and Hinata stands up on the last rung of the railing. " _Safe travels from Tokyo!!!!_ " he shouts, but Kageyama can barely make it out from the screams of the train itself. He keeps shouting nonsense at it, shouting louder when Kageyama says something like, that is stupid, they obviously can't hear you, _idiot_.

After a beat of watching Hinata continue to do this ridiculous thing, Kageyama joins him, and it's fun, in a way he would not have guessed, using the full strength of his lungs, attempting to compete with the rattling ruckus of the train tracks, knowing he will lose, knowing his voice will not be heard, but shouting louder anyway.

The train passes and he stands there, panting, staring after the tail lights. 

Hinata stares at Kageyama.

"… What?" Kageyama asks, half smiling, half annoyed, ready for a fight if that's what Hinata's stare means, but still in a buzzy, happy mood.

Hinata sighs, slumping a little on the railing. 

"If you have to ask, you'll never know."

Kageyama flinches back, but after a moment of staring, decides Hinata wasn't trying to start a fight. If anything he seems disappointed, sad, so Kageyama gives him a good hard shove, knocking him back from the railing. He's probably thinking about Ippei, again.

They'll get meatbuns. 

~

Jitsuko is quiet, but not nervous.

At this point Kageyama is twenty-seven, and he's learned how to small talk. Small talk is like warm ups for actual conversation. It lets Jitsuko know the basics, so she won't feel awkward around him in the future, and know what sort of topics are alright, and which ones are inappropriate, if she wants to have a more serious conversation, eventually. Kageyama keeps a list in his mind, one he came up with himself, polished by trial and error, for good small talk: Family, food, interests (this is when Kageyama can talk about volleyball, but not too much), pets, jobs.

Jitsuko is the sort of person who doesn't talk for no reason, and Kageyama doesn't think they would've said two words to each other if it wasn't for Hinata, but he finds himself enjoying their small talk, especially when she says that she always thought she was the type who wouldn't like pets, until she met Hinata. 

"Does he want a pet?" Kageyama asks.

"Well, dating him is basically like having a pet, isn't it?" she says. 

Her imitation of Hinata as a dog is so accurate Kageyama finds himself laughing, covering his mouth with his fist because it does feel a little like betrayal – but laughing all the same, so hard his shoulders shake with it. He glances over and sees Hinata, not only watching them, but with his phone up, taking a picture.

Jitsuko sticks her tongue out like a child when she follows Kageyama's gaze and sees what Hinata is doing, and Kageyama pulls a deliberately unpleasant face. Hinata laughs and takes another picture.

Hinata posts the photo – the first one, where Kageyama and Jitsuko laugh together – on one of his social profiles, and it gets several likes. He makes it the background of his phone, as well.

When Hinata was with Manami they never talked about anything in the future, and he was with Choki a year before they mentioned maybe getting an apartment together– maybe going on a vacation together, in a year or two. Kageyama wasn't around much when Hinata was with Ippei, but with Jitsuko, these conversations happen very quickly, and often.

_"If we move in together we could get a bigger place..."_

_"If we got a dog we could get one of those little dog hats – " "I am **not** dressing up our dog."_

_"I don't think I'd want more than three kids, probably." "No way I'm raising any kids in Tokyo. Where'd you say you grew up? Some small place, right? Miyagi...?"_

These are some of the conversations Hinata has, during his relationship with Jitsuko. They got together in February and spring hasn't even finished when Hinata starts to say these things. 

This is the start of a distant, quiet rumble. It is miles away, hard to hear, but it goes off without fail in discontent murmurs when Kageyama hears this type of conversation. 

He wants to hear Hinata say things that include Kageyama instead, but what sort of things – he's not sure. This makes him feel stupid and irrational. 

What if Kageyama takes a trade to another team, and he has to move out of Tokyo? He doesn't think Hinata has considered this, ever, but then as Kageyama starts to get annoyed about that, he realizes he himself has never considered the reverse: what if Hinata moves? 

What if Jitsuko does have three of Hinata's children, and she wants to raise them somewhere quiet, and they move into a home in the mountains or in the hillsides with a huge yard that would take a minute just to walk to the front door, let alone the distance it would take from Kageyama's apartment in Tokyo?

Kageyama doesn't know. 

Obviously they would still be friends, but there's distance that comes with time apart. He's friends with Tanaka, but Tanaka lives in Miyagi and the most interaction they have is comments online. That's fine with Tanaka, but Hinata is a different sort of friend, apparently, and the thought of their interactions being reduced to screens and comments on pictures and sporadic visits is – awful to imagine. 

When he breaks up with Jitsuko two years later, he keeps the picture of Jitsuko and Kageyama as the background on his phone, but it's cropped a little more to the left at that point, so Jitsuko is partly cut off, and this is a very transparent ploy to make it seem like he's totally over Jitsuko. Hinata must not realize the first question anyone would ask when they see this background is _why would he want a picture of just Kageyama?_

It's what Kageyama immediately wonders when Hinata starts playing with his phone. They're sitting on the curb in a quiet street, the bars having closed, sitting with take out in their laps and loitering like teenagers because neither of them want the night to end, just yet. 

"So," Hinata says. "What was it? What was wrong with her?"

"What?" 

"You were a bigger jerk to Suko-chan than anyone I've gone out with!! So was she – mean or something?" Hinata asks. "When I wasn't there?"

"She was nicer than Ippei," Kageyama scoffs.

"Ippei was nice," Hinata sighs, leaning back to grab his soda. "He was just jealous of you."

Jealous. Jealous. The word is a slap to the face. Kageyama was jealous of Jitsuko. That Hinata was going to adjust his life plans for her, _just_ to be with her, and he and Hinata would just have to hope that they continue to stay aligned. 

"She was nice," Kageyama mutters.

"She actually liked you, you know."

Kageyama plays with this food, scowling. 

"Why does that piss you off!" 

"It _doesn't_ ," Kageyama snarls.

"Look at you! What the heck, Kageyama?"

"I didn't." Kageyama stabs at his food, impaling a meatball with one chopstick, and a pile of rice with the other. "Like."

Hinata waits, eyebrow raised, sipping soda through a straw loudly. 

"That you wanted to move to Miyagi." 

Hinata's eyebrow goes down, frowning around his straw, having obviously not expected that. "What?"

"You and Jitsuko were making plans – "

"Are you serious?" Hinata asks. "That – those were just _hypothetical_ – "

"I _know_ ," Kageyama says, hunching deeper into himself. He shouldn't have even tried. This is – pathetic.

Hinata is thinking again, taking another, louder draw through his straw. "You wanted us to stay in Tokyo?" he says when he's done.

"Or – what if I moved," Kageyama says. "With another team."

"Suko-chan didn't have anything to do with that."

"I know," Kageyama says. He doesn't have any answers for his idiotic surliness. 

"What if I moved in with you?" Hinata suddenly asks. Kageyama perks a little at this, and had been somewhat hoping that the human slug Hinata had turned into after his break up with Ippei would reappear, but so far he's been way more resilient. "Like permanently. I was always living with you?"

It's a ridiculous question, but Hinata looks very serious, watching for Kageyama's reaction.

"I wouldn't mind," he mutters, knowing this honest answer makes him as ridiculous as the question. He'd even put up with Hinata's partners as they came and went, though the impartial distance he kept between himself and Hinata's sex has become something antagonistic, hating the thought of it happening – he often thought about how he was probably doing it with Jitsuko, and it annoyed him deeply – but still, if it kept Hinata there, he'd endure it. 

"What if I dated people while I lived with you?" Hinata asks, as if reading his mind.

"That. Would be alright," Kageyama forces out.

"Would you rather I didn't?"

Kageyama shrugs. It's a selfish and cruel imposition to put on him. But yes, he would rather. Rather Hinata just never date anyone else, ever again. But that would be impossible for someone like Hinata, who likes to be close to people, close to – to one person in particular, likes to touch them. He would always been wanting to have that one person – Kageyama's face is heating at the thought.

"Kageyama."

Hinata licks his lip, sets down his soda, and takes the box of food from Kageyama, setting it beside that, out of the way. He turns, so he's facing Kageyama directly. 

Kageyama has seen Hinata kiss all of his partners. The look on his face reminds Kageyama both of those kisses, and that moment, on the bridge, years ago, when Hinata had been staring. _Hinata had wanted to kiss him_ , he realizes, a second before Hinata is kissing him. 

_What would I do, what would I think about, if I was kissed,_ is something Kageyama had wondered, with a bit of anxiousness and distaste, but the reality is he doesn't have to think about anything – it's the instinctive knowledge that sometimes takes over his body on the court, when he just knows what to do, and it's so satisfying to do it that it's all he does, he's possessed by it, pressing closer to Hinata's mouth, opening his, moaning into it, hands on either side of Hinata's face, keeping him there, kissing more – _more_ – 

They break apart, breathing hard, staring at each other.

Hinata's smile is slow, and a bit wobbly, and has Kageyama's full attention. "Do – do you want to go out?" he asks. "With me?"

Kageyama nods once, and surges forward for another kiss.

"We – I could move in?"

Kageyama moans and nods again, kissing harder, but this one is a little harder because Hinata is laughing, sounding a little like he does while drunk. 

His arms wrap around Kageyama's neck, and he tilts his chin, changing to the kiss to something even better, even deeper – Hinata knows how to kiss, he's good at it, and he's showing Kageyama different ways to do it, and it's stoking something hot in Kageyama, waking up for the first time, disoriented only for a moment before trembling with excitement. 

"Kageyama," Hinata laughs, breaking the kiss and putting their foreheads together. He looks like he might cry, happy, emotional tears, and the slight shake in his voice confirms that. "Took you long enough, dumbass."

It's a weird comment – there was maybe thirty seconds between Kageyama wanting to kiss Hinata and actually kissing Hinata, but he decides not to worry too much about it. Hinata will be moving in with him, and nowhere else, and dating him, and no one else, and that solves just about everything. Until then, they'll sit on the curb and continue to kiss as long as they like.


End file.
